Friday, January 2, 2015

My humanity and I

The past year, I've been kind of idle as I didn't work. But I invested some of my time in connecting with people and creating bonds of friendship or even mere acquaintances. I have met a few incredible people with depth the like of which you might not imagine. And this has changed some things in me.

I have always been fond of science. I still am. I will probably always be. And as I've had more time to think and in particular think about myself, I made explicit a feeling I've had for a while. I felt like I had lost part of my humanity. It's a bit as if had become like a robot, capable of being efficient in the things I do, but little moved by feelings or emotions.

When your grandmother dies, a grandmother you had been close to in your childhood, and you don't cry, you ask yourself questions and you feel kind of shameful about not crying. Why would normal people cry and why would you not? Is it strength of character, disinterest, or a sign of the humanity you lost?

At least, wondering about it is salutary. It made me question who I think I am, what I want from other people or how I want it, and how much I am able and willing to make changes... or how much I am unable or unwilling to make changes. I realized my humanity is not lost. It is dusty. Very dusty. But it's still here. And I realized, too, that it is OK for me not to behave or feel like everyone else. If I don't cry, then so be it. It doesn't prevent me from wishing well to other people and being there for those who will need a shoulder. And I'll keep looking for more of this humanity and I'll likely find more of it.

Despite saying this, there are still things I didn't share in this article about my feelings. Some emotions or lack thereof that are too shameful to reveal explicitly, and which I'll have to come to terms with. And you? Do you ever experience emotions like this? Do you ever feel guilty for lacking emotions that you think you should feel? If so, are you able to share your experience or is it too sensitive to share explicitly?

Anyway, if you feel like you should look for your humanity, then it shows that you still care about it and that you still have it. So things are looking up.

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